Today was a very long day.

I’m not moving to Brighton until next Sunday. However, the flat’s available for me to place my stuff in there right now.

Which, er, is lucky: because my stuff’s in there right now. Woohoo!

I figured it’d be easier doing it this weekend as, well, next weekend I’ll largely be hung over and even if I will be just about legal to drive, I’ll not be in any fit state to be lugging heavy boxes and furniture.

So, this morning I was finishing packing at 8, in a van by 9:30, and packing with James and Rob by 10:30.

Two hours of lugging, sweating, swearing, tea drinking (obviously) and 3D jigsaw puzzle completing, we had a fan full of my stuff (a.k.a. “Pat’s Shit” if you’re Jimbo).

And so we pelted down to Brighton (well, in as much as one can “pelt” in a heavily loaded Transit LWB van down 92 miles of road) and performed the whole thing in reverse.

After that we had a bit of a chin wag and returned back to Essex, dropping the guys and the van off and heading home. Via a cheeky evening McDonald’s, of course. Well, we were in a van at the time.

Total Duration: 8am – 10pm.

So the current status is:

• My stuff is in Brighton – amazingly without any incident!
• I’m about 1 stone lighter through sweat loss
• Jimbo’s back’s screwed – sorry dude, must’ve been the (10th) box of pr0n mags…
• I’m sleeping on the floor in Chelmsford this week – and I don’t actually care :-)

I believe the common phrase is “a mixed bag”. It’ll be “a goody bag” once Jimbo’s back gets sorted.

Ooh, that reminds me: I missed some key Business Speak the other day – but hopefully I’ll be able to synergistically leverage it into this blog post.

Nah, ran out of time. Damn.

Pat

No, Carter. No. Stop it. No. Move away from the “Add a Comment” box. There we g-no! I see you! Come on. Back away… ok, that’s better.

Honestly.

Very soon I’m going to be a poor student, which means that there are a number of more, uh, extravagant things that I’m not going to be able to justify.

So, to make up for that, I’ve been squeezing those things in to the last couple of weeks. What things? These things:

• A delivery pizza a week. At least.
• Trips to London on a whim
• Meals out
• Trips from Essex to Brighton “just to scout things out a bit”
• Buying cups of coffee rather than making it myself
• Buying CDs I don’t really need because “It’d be nice to have that in my collection”
• Saying “Ach, meh, don’t worry about the last train home, we’ll find a hotel – let’s get another round in”!

It’s been a pretty awesome week or two as a result. Perhaps less so the day after the decision in the final bullet point.

That said, I’ve a suspicion that when I’m in Brighton I might experience beers, pizzas and pig-out meals crawling along the ceiling at me. Lucky I’m gonna be focusing on training for a marathon, I suppose.

Well, I say “lucky”…

Pat

And so it is nearly upon me. The day where I hand my office pass in to my boss, clear down my desk and head out of the building for the final time.

At times like this it’s hard not to think about the things I’ll miss about my current corporate life. Harder still to avoid pondering those things I won’t miss.

“Why don’t you write a blog entry talking about some of those things now, Pat?”

GREAT IDEA! Let’s go:

Key Things I’ll Miss

This is pretty obvious: the people and the pay. Ok, so this section appears ludicrously small in comparison to the one below, but that’s because it’s much more fun to write rants :-)

Key Things I’ll Not Miss

IT Systems

From computers I’d struggle to get Doom running on even with a special boot disk, though “rich” web-based systems that require $3 million worth of hardware and software to poorly emulate the old robust thick client systems / the perfectly functional old web pages that could keep themselves within 2MB a page, to centrally-enforced software rollouts that turn your PC into a tin box with flashing lights on it (“What do you mean you guys install software on your development PCs?”).

Corporate IT Systems, from what I gather, suffer from the following two issues:

• The slow and complex nature of changing, testing and approving new systems across a huge organisation
• A new solution often being a result of golf matches with suppliers rather than what’s measurably best. (This is of course a joke and in no way is Pat trying to suggest that A new solution often being a result of golf matches with suppliers rather than what’s measurably best – Squage). Er, that’s literally just what I wrot-(SHUT UP – Squage). Ahem. Yes, there is no second bullet point.

Bureaucracy

Want to copy a file over here? Sure! You just need to:

• Raise this EU Change Request form
• Raise this separate USA Change Request form (5 days’ notice at least)
• Get the appropriate approvals from all appropriate parties (and some inappropriate ones)
• Load the file into the “here’s the only place you’re allowed to have stuff copied from” area
• Raise the paperwork to have it copied to the staging area (make sure you perform the appropriate file labelling and promotion first)
• Raise the paperwork to have it moved to production (up to 5 days’ notice)
• Make sure you’ve got the appropriate Service Centre Supervisor confirmation as we’re not in the 1 month that doesn’t involve some kind of “Freeze Period”
• Make sure your previously approved system architecture document won’t be affected so you might want to involve the IT Policy Specialist to review your change.

I LOVE BUREAUCRACY.

Business Speak

I agree that in order to sing holistically from the same hymn sheet, we often need a heads together in order to ensure the important items are on our radars from the get go.

Perhaps using metaphors can incentivise a quick win when trying to action an idea shower into deliverables in the office going forward.

But heads up folks, I want to touch base with you on this: it only takes a bit of blue sky thinking in this space to realise using these low hanging fruit can damage your ability to articulate clearly.

I just don’t have the bandwidth to cope with it all cascading down to me, I can’t even be bothered to drill down into what wrong-sides me about it most.

If I could just get my ducks in a r(OK, STOP THIS NOW – Squage)

Ok, sorry. I must mention this though: my favourite BS phrase still has to be this, which was uttered only once to my knowledge by a former manager:

“We need to take the chastity belt off this project”

To this day, I still shudder to think of the manager strapping the project down and giving it a good seeing to. Think that dream in Office Space. “Yeeeeeeahhh… I’m gonna need you to go ahead and be delivered by Q4… don’t move… yeah that’s it… keep that deadline right… there…”

I’ll leave that image with you. Hope it pushed the envelope.

BYE!

Pat

You might remember that in the previous departmental meeting I was at, I was making copious “notes”. Today, because it was my final ever departmental meeting, I decided to mark this occasion by making even more of them.

Well, maybe only two notes. With one spoken by the other.

Both of them musical.

OhAndALoadOfOtherDrawings:

What, then, did not happen was me drawing up the weird monster guy using my work PC over lunch. No. If that had’ve happened, mind you, it might’ve looked a little something like this:

FACT: “Paint.net + A Mouse” < “Adobe Illustrator + A Wacom Tablet Pen”

Toodles,

Pat

So, I’m moving to Brighton on Sunday the 18th. I was down there this weekend and had a chance to properly wander around the place. It… it’s a little bit more interesting than Chelmsford in Essex (WHAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAT? – Squage).

Whereas Chelmsford has the usual run of soulless chain shops and restaurants and a couple of shopping arcades, Brighton offers not only these amazing features but also a huge array of quirky locally owned shops, sweet shops, veggie restaurants, outdoor stalls.

(Ok, that’s not a surprise – Squage)

Chelmsford graffiti consist of hastily-scrawled spray paint featuring the call-sign of a local “yoof kru”, Brighton’s equivalent is two-storey tall complex works of art depicting manga characters, Star Wars scenes, life-like paintings of Aung San Suu Kyi and loads more.

(Cool, but not a surprise – Squage)

Ok, Brighton’s bars are a fair bit more expensive than Chelmsford’s, plus it’s full of stag and hen parties. But the former’s fine given I’ve a student union to go to and the latter’s fine as it rather adds to the fun atmosphere of the place (although I’ve not been wandering around at 2am on a Saturday yet). There’s a really cool feel to the place, just an underlying feeling that people like living there.

(Hang on, hang on, stop a second. So what you’re really saying is “Brighton’s a city, and it’s bohemian, and it’s a party town, and you like it”? – Squage)

Yes.

(I think everyone knew that. What are you bothering mentioning it? – Squage)

BECAUSE I WANT TO EXPRESS HOW FRICKIN’ AWESOME IT IS THAT I’LL BE LIVING THERE.

(So, basically, you want to rub it in people’s faces? – Squage)

Of course not. :-)

(You’re happy to make people think you’re a gloating tool? – Squage)

That don’t! :-)

(You are literally too stupid to insult – Squage)

Stop quoting from The Hangover.

(Would you please put some pants on? I feel weird having to ask you twice – Squage)

Ok, that’s enough.

BYE!

Pat

• Saturday marked the “1 week til I dump some of my furniture in Brighton” milestone.
• Yesterday marked the “2 weeks til I move to Brighton” milestone.
• Today (the 5th of September) marks the “10 days to go working for My Beloved Employer ™” milestone, along with the “I’ve added a ‘My final working day is’ line to my company signature” moment.
• Tomorrow marks the “4 weeks til my phone line gets plugged in” milestone. Yes. 4 weeks.

Now, I know September is a busy time around a student town, I accept that.

But really?

Are there really so many long-empty houses and so few BT engineers that the earliest date a bod could turn up and spend 30 minutes kroning a couple of wires is the 27th of September?

Good grief.

Fortunately the broadband is available as soon as the physical connection’s madeOh-WAIT-A-MINUTE-No-I-Have-To-Wait-Another-5-To-7-Business-Days-For-A-Button-To-Be-Clicked-On-A-Screen.

(It’s good to see Pat’s illness on Friday hasn’t removed his ability to get ignorantly wound up about unimportant things – Squage)

DON’T INTERRUPT MY POINTLESS MOANY BLOG UPDATE, DAMNIT!

(It’s almost too easy, this… – Squage)

Frackin’ rackin’ brackin’,

Pat

Whatever it was, it’s caused Pat to leave work early and spend the day coughing, sneezing and generally looking red faced and sorry for himself.

Yes, it’s Squage here, subbing for an ill Pat.

Clearly doing any work outside 9-5pm is too much for him, and packing counts as work.

Mind you, one could argue work inside 9-5pm is too much for him too.

…

…

No?

…

…

Nothing, Scullion?

…

…

Aww, you being ill rules. You have no energy to write your usual moany cutting remarks! *cracks knuckles* Here we go…

Pat’s a moron, Pat’s a moron, Pat’s a mor-OOOWWW!(I can clip your head even if I don’t have the energy to interject, Squage – Pat)

Well now that’s two of us feeling sorry for themselves.

Til tomorrow, hopefully…

Squage

Between now and moving to Brighton I’ve ended up with a LOT of social engagements, which means some rather early packing started in earnest last night.

It reminded me why I bloody well hate it:

Pat

Today is the final day of August. It’s my pay day. But it’s more than that. It’s my final pay day with a paycheck worth mentioning.

Have I made a TERRIBLE TERRIBLE TERRIBLE over-long and out-of-tune piece of audio, to mark this occasion and in honour of the karaoke night I’m going to be ruining with my voice on Friday?

YOU BET YOUR SEXY FACE I HAVE.

Here are the lyrics (well, the original ones. This doesn’t include the ludicrous amount of off-script nonsense):

I leave in September
So soon it’s farewell
And don’t think I’ll come back
But then, who can tell?
A change in career is to come
I’m Uni bound
So here comes my last bit of earned money

It’s the final paycheck
The final paycheck

Ohh
I’m heading for Brighton to drink til I fall
‘Cause I’ll be a student and having a ball, yeah
With so many projects to do and beers to be found
(To be found)
I’ll miss having monthly new cash to blow…

It’s the final paycheck
The final paycheck…

Pat

It’s a virtue, they say.

And by “they” I mean most people I ask about patience (those who don’t are usually doctors who haven’t quite heard me correctly).

If that’s the case, then call me Alan Non-Virtuous. There’s nothing * worse than sitting around waiting for something you know’s gonna be awesome.

Alas, that’s what I’m doing at the moment. On the 26th of September I start Uni, doing a two year FdA in Digital Media Design, down in Brighton. It’s going to completely blow my mind and open a range of opportunities I can only begin to imagine.

However, I’m at work until the 16th of September. Having resigned on the 1st of July, I’ve already got the vast majority of my handover done and as there’s no one to replace me yet I’ve got no one to train up.

So I spend a lot of my time looking at my Outlook calendar, seeing the “Last day” appointment, looking at “DAYS TO GO.xls”, checking the current date, looking at my Outlook calendar, seeing the “Last day” appointment… and so on.

Anyone fancy a coffee? I wanna chat about the number of days I’ve got left.

Again.

Anyone?

…Hello?

/Pat

* Aside from fingernails scraping on a white board, forgetting to lock your car after walking across a car park from it in the rain, genocide, stepping on an upturned plug with bare feet etc.

P.S. Obviously I’m doing lots of work too. Just to be clear. The above is for comic effect, oh Beloved Employer™. Do not confuse silly posts with serious ones. Always read the label (and check the pills themselves). Your home is at risk if it’s made of bits of slugs and you’ve built it by a salt factory.