Then I’ll begin.

Once upon a time there was a bloke called Pat. He used to enjoy writing a blog every day in preparation for his Big Adventure. Then he went on his Big Adventure and became a slacker.

Yep, once again due to loads of other activities, Pat and myself haven’t had the time or inclanation to sit in front of a computer and blog for several days.

What does that mean? It means I’m now going to be blogging about the past 11 days of our Big Adventure.

It’ll be something of a trip down memory lane for me. For you it’ll probably be tedious.

(Thanks by the way to Chris and Mette for taking some photos for Pat during the period of camera-knackeredness, twas much appreciated! And yep, it’s now alive again… will explain how later)

Sunday 26th November: River Valley -> Wellington
After a somewhat iffy sleep on the slightly uncomfortable Orgy Dorm bed, Pat fell out of bed at 9and made his way downstairs for a “continental breakfast” (i.e. toast and cereal), which combined with coffee actually allowed him to open his eyes fully and begin functioning for the day.

With a pick up time of 1pm, we had plenty of time to have a wander around the gorgeous landscape surrounding River Valley hostel, so Pat, Mette, Hardy and myself made our way to the walk up the side of the valley for a big of exercise.

The first step was to cross the river via the bridge Pat’d been told about by the hostel owner. He’d mentioned something about watching out for the mechanism, which sounded a bit odd until we got to the “bridge” and realised what he’d meant:

After pulleying each other across the river, a tough walk up the steep path ensued – but the view from the top of the path was certainly worth it:

(Thanks Mette for the photos :-) )

After a failed attempt to sketch the valley (he’s a bit out of practice) Pat and the gang wandered back down the valley, had some more pulley-based entertainment and chilled out in the hostel for a while (Pat unable to resist the temptation to be a nerd and help out Flea with her laptop (just a bit of space saving / file relocation… I think he misses Technical Services. Possibly)).

After what seemed like a neverending trek up a steep road to the coach, a seemingly neverending (well, about 4 hour) coach journey ensued, the highlight of which being going to a town whose every wall appeared to be covered in some cow/bull related drawings. This was probably the best:

Pat didn’t realise the cow had love hearts coming out of it until after this, in case you’re wondering.

Once in Wellington we got to Base Backpackers hostel and settled into our rooms (following the usual half an hour check in as the hostel staff barely cope with the mass of people arriving (give them their due, I mean it’s not as though they get bus-loads of people coming to the hostel EVERY DAY, is it? It is? Oh yes, so it is)).

After a freshen up Pat and the gang took a long walk to a bar called the Basement (can you guess which hostel this sat beneath) and drank the night away – culminating in a drunk doubles game of pool, which Pat thinks Chris and he won but can’t quite remember.

I swear Pat thinks he’s a student again.

Monday 27th November: Wellington
Quite a chilled out day today. After a late wake up to the sound of rain on the window, Pat had a wander around town to see if anyone would be able to fix his camera but to no avail (the best offered was a 3 to 4 week turnaround time, which wasn’t *entirely* ideal), then met up with Chris, Jen, Kate, Jersey and Mette for a wander around the Te Papa museum.

It was actually quite an interesting place to go… but I think you need to be a bit less hungover to fully appreciate it.

There were all sorts of interesting things to see – loads of Maori building mock-ups and historical info, plenty of impressive paintings, lots of info on volcanos and earthquakes and the occasional disturbing human creation (such as the “condom helmet”, which does what it says on the tin and was designed to catch the sperm of a certain type of bird in New Zealand that likes to hump people’s heads… how normal).

As it was, Jersey, Jen and Pat found that their hungover/tired minds enjoyed the kids’ areas a bit more:

(Some day she might be your lawyer)

After a walk back to the hostel in the pouring rain, we all dried off and prepared for yet another walk in the rain – this time to go and see Borat. Pat’d seen it already, but it was a choice between seeing that or The Devil Wears Prada so he decided familiarity would be preferable to f***ing dire.

Twas very funny yet again, but again Pat felt that there were a few too many areas that looked fully staged… also his face keeps turning white whenever something to do with a naked fight is mentioned.

How odd.

Tuesday 28th November: Wellington -> Nelson
Despite a fairly early night, Pat woke up very tired today. Possibily this had something to do with waking up at 6:30am in order to catch the ferry over to Picton on the South Island. More likely it was due to having burned the candle at both ends for over two weeks…

Anyway, after a short coach journey to the ferry port, Pat and the rest of the Kiwi bus trundled onto the ferry (quite a large beast, complete with a (not actually finished) cinema, a couple of restaurants and a bar).

Through feeling tired, Pat spent most of the time resting in one of the many comfy recliners on the 8th deck (whilst listening to Dirty Si’s amazing “End of Uni 2001” dance set, which brought back so many great memories of dancing like a fool – sorry Pat, I mean like a professional (…idiot)) but made it on deck to take some photos of Marlborough Sounds as we entered the long channel into Picton on the South Island:

It was quite a lovely day for it as you can see. Not sure the mobile phone pictures quite do the views justice (who’d’ve thought? A shit mobile phone camera!).

Once off the ferry at the other side, Flea noticed that there’d been a mix up meaning that there were too many people to get on the coach to Nelson… so Pat and some of the gang kindly volunteered to wait around and get in a minibus for the trip to Nelson instead. Little did they know that this’d be the last time they’d be on the bus with Flea (and miss out on a couple of activities in the following days because of being on a “smaller” bus)… still, mustn’t grumble.

The minibus driver was a guy called Royal, who’s one of those people you can happily label a “character”. He’s got a slightly odd sense of humour and… er… likes cross dressing.

Yes.

On the way to Nelson, the buses stopped at at little wine shop in the middle of a mass of vinyards (unsurprisingly) and were treated to some wine tasting and then the great opportunity to spend lots of money buying wine! They were, um, “interesting” wines, which might’ve been nice to send back home were they a bit less, er, “interesting”.

We got into Nelson and our smaller bus went into the Accent on the Park hostel, which was a really nice little place – although away from the main group of folk who we’d finally started to get to know a bit better (not that this is a point of bitterness, of course) – it certainly made a change from the large Backpacker Factory that was Base in Wellington.

A lovely hostel meal in the evening (served by the guy who was on reception a few hours beforehand) was accompanied by a bit of telly watching in the cosy hostel lounge, before Pat decided he was knackered and went to bed.

———–

Yet again I’ve written too much detail and am knackered. Tell you what, from now on I’m just going to do a bullet point thing for “what happened on this or that day” and just do some more detail on asides here and there. I’m also going to stop writing my thoughts out in the blog for others to read. :-)

Wednesday 29th November: Nelson -> Westport

• Went for a walk around Nelson Lakes – a bit foggy so couldn’t see mountain tops, but a nice wander none the less (Kate and Pat wandered further than the others and were pleased they did, as there was a cool looking wardrobe, which they had a look in onto to find that it didn’t have a back but rather some snow-covered trees. Anyway, to cut a long story short they became King and Queen of Narnia and lived there for (say) 20 years, before deciding to come back to New Zealand having not aged a day and with no time passed. Strangely the other guys didn’t believe us either)
• Had lunch at a little town called Murchison – some “tasty” Vegemite sarnies, the Vegemite spread with Pat’s fingers as he didn’t have any cutlery on him (and felt a touch stupid when Jen went into the cafe they were eating by and grabbed some)
• Went horse riding – Pat found it ok but a little frustrating, as his horse (Locky) wanted to eat all the time and whenever he’d started eating, Pat had a lot of trouble getting him to move again. Pat was annoyed as he felt that Locky knew he was a learner and hence could just get away with being a pain in the ass. The phrase “You know, for all the damage they do to the environment, cars are SUCH a great invention” was uttered at least 10 times throughout the 2 hour trip around the country paths
• Got into Westport – a tiny little place, where you’d imagine some kind of horror film could be made. Really nice character though, but it may aswell have had tumbleweed rolling across the empty, wide streets for all the people who were around.
• Hostel – Can’t remember the name but Pat changed from a dorm (which was unheated in a separate block in the back yard) to sharing a double room (which was heated, in the house, with lovely comfy beds and free towels (trust me, that’s awesome for a hostel)) for $3 extra.
• During the Evening – Pat and Jersey went to a pizza bar (as recommended by a local) and had some LOVELY pizza, enjoyed a couple of pints of the local brew (Miners) and chatted with a couple of friendly locals. After that they came back to the hostel, shared some vodka & coke with Chris whilst watching the first Lord of the Rings film on a crap 4:3 TV (doesn’t really do the film justice) and then headed out with others back to the same pizza bar to continue chatting, drinking and playing pool until the early hours (Dex – the bar owner – kept the pub open just because he was enjoying chatting with us – and bought Katie (a canadian lass from Flea’s bus) a free beer because he was amazed she’d had 5 pints and not fallen over… nice)

Hmm, that wasn’t much less detailed than before. All that’s happened is that there’s a load of bullet points surrounding the endless blurb. Let’s try again with Thursday the 30th of November – the trip to the Poo Pub:

Thursday 30th November: Westport -> Mahinapua

• Pat woke up nice and refreshed
• Went for a walk along Cape Foulwind – mentally windy place and possibly the wrong time for Pat to test drive his hat (which amazingly stayed on – just). Walked along the cliff tops looking out to the sea and the huge impressive waves battering the shore. Certainly a good way to wake up if you’re tired!
• Visited the Punakaiki Pancake rocks – very impressive scenery, with lots of splashing waves. They’re called the Pancake rocks because they’re made of egg, flour and milk. We also had some pancakes in a nice little restaurant, which are limestone formations that began forming 30 million years ago, when lime-rich fragments of dead marine creatures were deposited on the seabed, then overlaid by weaker layers of soft mud and clay. The seabed was raised above sealevel by earthquakes to form the coastal cliffs and coastline. The sea, wind and rain have since etched out the soft layers to form the unusual rock formations we see today.
• Told we had a fancy dress party in the evening – A “P” Party. Pat was told he couldn’t get away with just being “Pat”
• Stopped in Graymouth – a small town with about 1 street – to get some fancy dress gear. Pat tore his hair out trying to find something good before coming across an amazing discovery:

  

  Frankly I think the idea of wandering around with stupid soft toys rather pathetic, but there we go.

• Hostel – a THL-owned pub called the “Poo Pub” in the middle of nowhere (well, by Mahinapua Lake) with some little dorm chalet things behind it. Lovely location:

  

  

  Shit dorm beds though. Still, that didn’t matter too much as Pat slept rather well after umpteen pints at the fancy dress party that evening. Some rather amusing photos were taken of some ace costumes:

  
  Plant and potato sack!

  
  Playboy Bunny!

  
  Pikachu!

  
  Present!

  There’s more in the usual place. As you can guess, Pat managed to fix his camera. It was a rather technical job (sticking some duct tape to the front of the camera to wedge the lens cap open) but Pat managed it in the end…

• Lots of beer, lots of playing about with puppets (still lovin’ them puppet dance moves, Sarah!), not quite enough sleep.

Friday 1st December: Mahinapua -> Franz Josef

• Pat woke up less refreshed than yesterday and more tired and hungover
• After a walk to the beach and back Pat felt a little better
• Lots of banter with Royal on the coach to do with puppets and drinking
• Stopped at the Bushman’s Centre (hunting lodge-type place) for breakfast, stopping for a mo to feed the deer:

  

  No doubt needing to be fattened up so they can’t run away too fast from the hunting folk…

• Visited a LOVELY beach on the way to Franz Josef – took the opportunity to grab some photos:

  

  

  Hard to believe it’s about 20k from a massive mountain range…

• Got some photos of a massive mountain range (Westland National Park):

  

  

• Got to Franz Josef – amoungst the awesome Westland National Park mountains and at the base of the Franz Josef Glacier (well, ok, about 10k away from it):

  

• Booked in for Glacier Exploring on Saturday and grabbed some supplies (sadly no Kendal Mint Cake could be found, which Pat was disappointed in – kept moaning about this clearly not being a proper mountain town. What, Pat, aside from the MOUNTAINS all around it? (Shut up and get on with it, Squage, I’m starving – Pat))
• Hostel – Nice place, good bunks, nice bar – all with a gorgeous mountain back drop (which Pat probably didn’t bother to notice (Shut it, ya bastad! – Pat) Sorry…)

Saturday 2nd December: Franz Josef

• Pat had a great night’s sleep – despite waking up at 3am thinking, in a half-asleep state that a distant rumbling might just be a huge avalanche (well, it’s good to see that Pat recognised there were mountains in Franz Josef after all (Someone’s about to get left in an Internet Cafe – Pat) ok, ok, I’ll stop)
• Pat and I put on our extra layers and made our way to the Glacier Walk Building – via a shop to get some sunglasses that Pat only just realised he might need whilst walking up a bright white glacier (…. – Pat) – which, er, is sensible. Yes.
• After getting into some soggy regulatory hiking shoes, some thick socks, a large jacket and some gloves + hat, Pat and the gang made their way to the glacier on the shuttle bus thing
• The glacier looked deceptively small from the other end of the valley, where we started our trek:

  

  You see that cave bit? That’s over 5 stories high. I KNOW!

• Pat was rather nervous at this point, as he was concerned that the glacier trek would involve walks up near-vertical slopes, with humongous drops to his side at many points and lots of horribly small bits to try and walk through…
• …and there were. Sort of. But it wasn’t bad enough to cause any fear. In fact, Pat really enjoyed trekking around, clambering up little steps and squeezing through tight ice caverns. Plenty of photos were taken:

  

  

  

  

  

  

• It’s SUCH an odd feeling being on the glacier. The views were stunning and it wasn’t really as cold in the air as expected (Pat didn’t have gloves or a hat on for any of it) – but the ice was FREEZING (No shit, sherlock – Pat)
• Twas very good exercise and flew by much faster than expected (the 4 hours on the ice went past in what felt like less than an hour) – I definitely recommend doing the Franz Josef Glacier Exploration if you get a chance – and do the 8 hour one, not the 6 hour one as Pat did, just because it’s not much more dosh and gives you a full 2 hours extra on the ice!
• That evening, after eating pizza with Jersey in a bar with the cricket on (and Pat having no idea what to add to the conversation that was being had about the sport, through being fairly clueless about either Oz or England’s teams (Oi! – Pat) Well? (Ok, actually, you’ve got me there – Pat) Uhuh), Pat had an early night…

Right, that brings you up to the last night in Franz Josef. What happened after that? Well, you’ll just have to wait and see, as Pat’s in need of some food and then we’re going out to the Ice Bar in Queenstown… so we’d better dash.

Tarrah for now!

(A very tired) Squage